Yesterday was sec 4 farewell. Rather unhappy with my maths result so i guess it did affect my mood for the performance. Tried to put it aside but it comes back every there and then. I think our performance was just terrible. Like seriously horrible as compared to last year. But the dance item was funny though. Hope the sec 4s didnt mind the last minute preparation. Like seriously last minute. So the sec 4s dressed up in the pyjamas which they all look good in. I guess. Yup nothing much. But i was really really really really hungry as i didnt eat for the entire day. Then announced that ms seah is leaving. Shes going out to try out another job that she has found as she wants to try out new stuff. So she was like so hesitant to come up to talk to all of us and she cried. Yup and when she told us many things that she gone through in PL and GB, gosh! It was super duper sad........i was like tearing and tearing. I dun want her to leave but cannot larh. One question that strucked me when she spoke to us is that: why is the good always leaving and the bad always stays? But i want to thank her for her guidance and ya.....many many things. Thank her for taking care of me when i have an attack in camp. And look after me for the next few days till i take my stage 2 and 3 drill test. Thank her for looking after me when im 'bai kar' And many girls cried. It was just sudden and i just couldnt control and just that moment, there were so many flashback of her. I just hope that after her marrige, she would be happier than being a teacher here. So, there were food. I was super hungry and just eat and just thought that the food was nice. Yea. At least its much more better than camp food. Then sec 3 taking up new roles as the sec 4s step down. Nothing much. Just felt that sometimes, always the ones that in the wrong gets roles and those that didnt do anything wrong gets nothing. just have to accept it. Just felt that shouldn't have taken up DI. So those that becomes Asl and Sls and heads and PCs. congrates. You sent me an sms last night, i felt super super super disturbed. Cos i really dunno what are u getting at. Maybe trying to tell me that u got that role and i didnt. I dunno. At least i know that officers, okay maybe only that one, thinks that i am not able to take up that role so i didnt get it. But i didnt regret it cos i already knew i couldnt so.........
kay so exchanged gifts, many weird weird stuff. Got that toilet brush thing from my jie. I was like wth. then it says: Brush up 4th coy drill standard. then i was like chey. Then got hangers, candles and FOOD!!!!!!!!! omg best presents! I love eating. Just look at my size and you will understand that im a glutton. Then went up with yi hua for the sec 2 talk. Look for my mom and sat at the back. Then was very bored by the talk that i fell asleep. Then when it ended, my mom went to ask mr teo if i was naughty. he was like no larh. shes very discipline. can tell from the way she commands parade in her cca. i was like what! Then went to the canteen to get a drink then walk to the assembly area to the bench to take my bag. But my mom was like: eh did UR melissa come today? then i was like: didnt u hear from debbo that she came today. Then she was like wanting to see that xing zhu de. Then i called her and she came down. Ya. Then she said i look like her. I was like HUH!! I didnt expect that from her. Then she said i was shorter than that zhu. Ya thats abt it. Then i went home. To sleep.

Im currently having a very bad headache. Tired in a sense too. Dun wanna study for chinese. Im serious. Today was okay. Finished up music with the person who always pinch my butt and anyhow touch me. Then homec was okay except the fact that i saw many doughnuts that became biscuits. Ahaha damn funny. Ahahahahaa. It was like seriously brown. brown. And it was like crispy on inside out. Whapiang damn funny. Saw calista eating and biting it. Then after chinese i got molested real badly. Dun touch me ever again. Someone owes me and i owe someone. So why not the person who owes me, go and owe that someone whom i owe then i will be freed.

Ha! Going for wedding dinner. Yay! I like going to weddings. I want earthquake ice-cream. Esther!!!!!! I want it. Okay we should call people whom i feel like calling to go eat ice-cream with me:) yay:)

Heyhey enrolment was FINALLY over........finally! But i guess it went on very smoothly so phew.......parade was good. Service was also good. But lunch was horrendous.
Parade
I like this colour.....hehe. anyway, parade was so SA! We had to stand down there for so long to wait for the arrival of the guest of honour. But thank god ms lee kept giving us sedia and then sanandiri so that at least my left leg could move a little. But after standing for a very long time, i realised i had some difficulty to sedia and kekenan. I was like: crap! How the hell am i suppose to march when i cant even lift up my leg?! Then i was like trying and trying then luckily it went off quite well. Then after march pass, run and do creative drill. Ya. That would be the last time im gonna do creative drill. I felt that i did much better than competition day though. Then run off and sit at one side to see other creative drills. And then i sat down and something happened. Before i sat down, i saw the GB flag leaning against one of the pillar. I thot it was safe to sit there and as we had to sit down as fast as possible so no choosing of place to sit so i sit there lorh. THEN! It was like somehow behind me, so i couldnt see it while my friends saw the entire thing that happened real quickly. The entire pole of flag just fell and knocked my head. Actually firstly i couldnt feel a thing then after awhile i was like: whapiang pain.......... Then was trying to bear with the pain. Then justina ran and picked up the flag and adjust the GB crest till in place. Then josmin turned to me and asked if it was really painful. I teared a little cos it was really really painful trust me. But she joked a little to make me laugh haha....like telling me how she managed to polish her boot and davina stepped on her masterpiece. Damn funny. Then sam ang was like lost and said: Oh er.....feel blessed. Errrr....ya know that no one is actually entitled to touch the Gb flag except the flag bearers u know....so feel blessed that it came and touch u instead. And heng ah...u save it or else it will be on the floor and u know....GB flag cannot touch the floor one......haha that cheered me up a little. Then dav koh gave a hug (melissa, feel jealous) and ms chang was like ahya careless girl.... shouldnt have placed it there if i knew u were so careless. But after a while it was okay........didnt think of it so it wasnt that pain.
Service
mrs poulier came. felt so honoured. shes in her 90s. And now i understand why did people say that she was a good teacher and a good ex gb captain. better than panda face hippo. hmph. Her message today was about gb's motto. Seek, serve and follow christ. Was meaningful when she taught us to to seek god and after that, we serve people around us that needs our help and follow christ which is the most difficult. So we must believe in god and ya. Ms lee was like going around waking people up during the message given. Damn funny. Then had some dance item put up by pri sch gals which was entertaining. Then had the cake cutting celebration. Chocolate cake! Couldnt eat it but at least the idea came from me. And so sang happy 70th birthday to 4th coy. Yay! And when mrs poulier said that GB will do better in each years to come and till 100th anniversary and then she suddenly poped this phrase that i couldnt forget: GB girls always shine their shoes and she said she would not be there to see us have the 100th anniversary. Whapiang so sad.
Lunch
sat with shannon, rachel, jasmine and geraldine. Alicia keep calling me the act cool one. Waited for really long for the food. Which was buffet. Then annonced that sec 4s get their food first followed by the sec 1s and sec 2s last. Piangeh. So ate the food really fast like in 5 mins. Then went back to assembly area to do area cleaning. Then went home?
I rememeber the sec 1 were like so messy with their full-u. Never iron and stuff. No safety pin and stuff. Cap too tight or else its like dropping off when they turn their head. Belt was like piangeh. Haversack so long ahyo. More stuff and more. And taking off their belt whenever they feel like to. Taking off their cap cos they feel very hot. U think i not hot meh? Ok warm. warm. Hairnet drop out, pls run to the toilet and get it done. Not becos it dropped out and take cap out during the service. Ah. Sec 4s stepping down. Never mind the girls will learn it one day. Maybe they are just sec 1s. They will learn it when they grow older like us. ya. thats abt it.

Was as usual. Had chem and found many pigs in the class sleeping away that mrs ching had to walk around and wake people up. was super funny. Then chem was basically killing off my brain cells. Whapiang quite difficult that i actually laughed to myself while doing the ws. Then had recess. Everything was okay.....amanda 'borrowed' me for a moment then she kept telling melissa : a while more.....a while more larh hor.....i return her when we reach the class. Damn funny. melissa's expression was damn entertaining.
then had some argue over the class shirt which was quite redundant.
But the people who went down to make it said it was really nice so.....i guess its nice. People in our class will have taste larh.
ya thats abt it. Damn dissappointed in myself today. I failed to be a good gal. Ya thats abt it.
will post again another day. too basy these few days.
bye.

Haha thats what esther says and its really true. Although we say we wont give in anymore but in the end, we still do it. Why? cos we are nice people. hah joking. Actually its becos we i dunno how to say...but its just although we dun want to put in anymore effort cos we know its not worth but we still put in. Ya. Drill was as usual. Saw that panda face hippo like lotsa times. Got really pissed. I mean if she thinks im that sort of person, then i cant say anything or do anything. Its her business whether she wants to take me like this or not rite....so i ignored her like lotsa times today, like purposely walking off when she saw me and walked towards me, hoping that i could help her with some gb matters. I mean like come on la.....if u arent happy with me, why not u juat go straight down to HQ and tell the officers there that i have attitude problems and why not let them kick me out of DI. That would make ur life easier and make mine easier too. Why not just spare me from all these? Kicking me out before i collect the badge, its better. At least i dun have the badge now, its less disappointing. Maybe its totally my fault, my fault for letting u think that im that sort of person, letting u dashed my hopes on myself, and letting me realise how a failure i am. Sorry for letting me know that i failed to be a DI, a commander and even a gb girl. sorry. Among the 3 DIs now, i could consider myself to be fortunate? I dunno. One is in GOH contingent and another is commanding as the stick. Thanks for letting me know that i suck in drill and so much so that i have to march in a contingent. But maybe that would make my life easier cos i suddenly realised how fun was it that i dont have to be so fierce to them and did my drill like how i did in stage one. Sorry that i failed to meet up to ur standard, sorry that i failed to correct my attitude and sorry that i became a DI when i shouldnt have. sorry. Its my fault. I caused them for myself. im sorry.

okay....quite tired out alr eh. was so nervous during chinese that my stomach was hurting so badly. Then i was grabbing onto xing zhu de pinafore. Then had fire alarm but was a false alarm so i was like aiya.....how i wisheed it was a real fire ( not cursing) but i just dun want napfa to come.
Then the first station was standing broad jump, whapiang i was like shit la. Die!!!
then the teacher was so inspiring that she told us to look at the 3m and jump.
OMG i got 163!!!! yay. Okay dun laugh at me but i can say that its the best among my 13 years of life. EH 163 eh. gosh! Piangeh so that was a C. Nevermind.....
Second station was sit-and-reach!!! YAY!!!! Saw someone and was somehow pissed so i stretch as far as i could cos i was really angry then got 50cm. oh my god can? AHhhhhh! so happy. Finally got one can win xing zhu de. A man.
Third was pull up. OH MY GOD i hate pull ups basically becos i cant pull! HAHA. Keep pulling and pulling and the person keep saying dun use ur leg. then i was desperate alr, i need a 10! Then in the end.....still 10! Yay. aiya last time can do 18 leh. Nevermind la. At least C can alr.
Forth, shuttle run. Okay la...12 secs. Oh my gosh...i deprove by 2 secs. C.
Last was sit up. Aiya that one no need to worry one. A. 43 sit ups. Partner xing zhu de and when she was doing, i was like trying to make her laugh and when she touched 30 which was the bare minimum for an A, i gave a super funny laughter that she can't resist it, eww wait wrong choice of word...erm...couldnt stand it and she was like: eh stop making me laugh arh. Whapiang it was damn funny. Ahahahah. Then was playing the game of flirting with amanda and she kept saying: eh stop it arh. can ur dun do it in front of me. Then i said: okay then we do it behind u. Ahahahah then she gave the whinning sound. whalao damn funny. Ya thats abt it la. My leg is aching right now. And i realised that i need a timing of 16.20 for 2.4 run to get a gold. I dunno whether can anot lei. Veh scared leh. Haiya....if dun get a C for 2.4, i will just probably smack myself cos i finally didnt have a D for napfa!!! hahahahhahahahah.......yay......

I wouldn't have worked this hard if i knew this is what i'll get as repay. I've worked damn hard for this cca. That i stayed back everyday to train till 7 during the competition period. I could have save my time by studying at home, playing at home, resting at home and do not need to sleep past midnight so that i get my sleep after doing all my homework. Maybe i've made the wrong choice and the biggest mistake on earth to spend so much time on it, okay maybe not the time but its the effort. The effort, get it? Trying to gather the gals to have afternoon drill so that our drills are of tip-top standard during the competition. And what did i get back as repay? Officers thinking i have the wrong attitude and asked to watch my attitude, thinking that if im not suitable to be DI this year, not letting us to access drill. Sometimes, i really think why have i put in so much effort when i know that no one would appreciate it. Working so hard and this is what i got back. Walking away when commander was teaching, hahhahahahahahah i hardly leave the contingent even when i was needed to. So i was blamed and taken off responsibilities for the things that i had not done. And after competition, i still have as much cca trainings as before. Maybe i just have to watch my attitude and shan't work so hard since thats what i got back. Im serious. i mean whats the point? u work this hard, no one notices and u dun work as hard, u get the same thing. So whats the point?

Labels: feeling confused

asshole! U JUST SMASHED MY ENTIRE DAY! DO U KNOW THAT?! I thot i could have spend some good and fun and useful time with my family. I mean finally i have time with my family, it could have turned out well but U CHOSE TO SMASHED MY DAY.
What is wrong with u? Are u too free? I knew u will read this. But i dont give a shit. I already told u we are going to be friends. U chose not to accept it. Do u wanna see what am i capable of? Maybe now u will see my true self. I dunno. But i seriously had enough. Tired enough to solve and settle all the problems and try to put up with ur attitude towards me. Maybe i treated u that way becos i wanted u to have a feel of how u treated me and everyone else.
Actually i was enjoying my day at IMM and Jurong point. And in Jurong point, was smsing melissa and shannon and having fun boasting how efficient i was in geog project. Aha was fun and i managed to spend alot of time laughing and all of a sudden, THIS SMS CAME IN. And i found out who was the culprit of giving my number to her. Thanks alot arh. I thot u were smarter to not give my number and so.........u were the last that i suspected. Then i sms u, u were like ya. I was shocked. Real shocked. Then when i was reading and trying to squeeze out some reply, i nearly teared cos u just smashed everything and i lost all trust in u. U showed her the sms i sent u. U broke my trust. Whats the diff from complaining? U told zina too. I felt so crap when reading all the scolding from ur dearest friend. Wasted? I dun feel so. I dun feel that being friends with u is wasted. And by doing all these things to me, it can contribute to being enemies u see. Let me explain why i decided to just be seniors with u. cos i need to concentrate on my studies and i realised with u around, i cant have a time whereby i can feel happy and relaxed for studying, so thats one. And i dun want to return back to the past where i get all stressed up again by all the problems. Whenever with u, i just felt the stressness even when i think im happy but sadly, im not. Okay im telling u all the truth here. I admit im pissed. U dun like my circle of friends, then i shall not say anything cos i love them. ewww. okay that sounds gross. Shewyl ho is out of her mind now. When u go around telling people all these things, i just the: I SHOULD JUST LEAVE U FOR GOD SAKE. U really smashed my day. Dun feel sorry cos im partly to blame. Was talking to esther abt enrolment on fb, then suddenly this phrase came past: IF LIFE GIVES U LEMONS, U MAKE LEMONADE. wow. how i wish i can do that.
ok, anyway, this post was written on impulse and when im really that angry so.....dun take it to heart. i'll post again when i simmer down.

Had R.E.W today. It was meaningful. I mean like parents nowadays dont say any words like: I love u. Im sorry. Neither do they even hug u. Except debbo. I found that she is really fortunate to have such close relationships with her parents. When the parents talked abt the things that our parents really wanted to say to us, i was touched. im serious. I mean i hardly see my parents. when im at home like now, they are never back. And when they are at home, i have cca. My mom is very busy. Its a rare chance to be able to see her at home. If she is, she would bring back tons and tons of work to do. I always remember what she always tell me. " Must study well so that u'll find a job next time. Money is very important." i mean......when can i really have the time to talk to her properly? When i have problems, there's always no one i can turn to. Not my mom. Never my father. My mom's too busy. I dont wanna disturb her. Or when i finally found time to disturb her, shes alr sleeping. My father comes back very late...i don't see him everyday for dinner. I hardly see him. When he comes home, we will just see each other for a second and we will go sleep. So when i thought of shannon and her parents, i just feel that since her parents are at home when she first step into her house, why not grab this only chance to talk to them. At least u have the chance. I dont u know......
Seriously i dont. They do not even know that i got a gold for my competition. All they knew was i trained very hard for my cca thats all. Thats all. Since i was born till now, they never said i love u before. Never before.
Shannon said she is clique-less. This strucked me. Cos i thought abt last year, i used to be very close to sei yin, lim wei and yi hua. But gradually, sei yin left us. And then this year, i was dumped by them. And here i am here. I wish that no one is reading this..... So at least shannon have so many friends that she can rely on. Her PB friends, church friends, GB friends, many classmates like debbo and all. But i dont. I really dont. Many said that i excel in my cca. But i rather not. I dont want to have the feeling of being tied down to drill. Commanding and commanding. Scolding and scolding. Do u think i really want that? If i ever could turn back the clock, i would never join the competition. Never. Although theres a gold, i know we deserves it but its not unity. Everyone did that becos of themselves. Whats the meaning of a real united contingent? Now, everything is back to normal. Doing my drill again. I couldnt afford myself to make a single mistake. Why? Because of the word DI. If i had a choice, i will never want to be one. Does it mean that a drill instructor cannot make a single mistake in drill? If i really had a choice, i would rather stay a normal girl without any heavy responsibilities like this. I rather be shannon and rachel. Im serious. I dun want my life to be tied down to DI. I rather not know any long commands like them and i rather not know so much. I rather learn it slowly like them...seriously. I could have taken stage 2 drill test with them. We promised to take it together. But now, its different. It turned out to be me having to mark them for drill test. Shannon said she wants to bribe me. I mean its sad...really. I really want to take drill test with them together. At least i have this kind of security that i hardly have. i really dont want to fail a single one if possible but i cant. I cant! I have to fail at least a few. Im really sorry girls. When i scold u guys, its because u all do not have the right attitude. Its okay if ur drill sucks, all i want is the right attitude to learn from mistakes. Okay...i hate this. I just have to put off this word.
Okay back to friends.... who says u do not have friends? Am i not one? If u guys realise.... i try not to tell all my problems to u all cos i feel that i dont have a friend that i can tell all my problems to. All i wish is a person who can just listen to me and she do not have to say a thing at all. Its that simple. But i havent found one. Those that are close to me, i may tell u some less major stuff but i just felt the un-safeness. Maybe becos i dun have a real friend that i can rely on. I only have friends that i can always play with, have fun together. I realised i patched up with j not becos i forgave her but its becos i had to. I had to becos we need to work together as DIs to mark gals together, that simple. So i had to put up this I FORGAVE U front to her so that officers remains unaware of our conflict. And prevent us from getting scolded. So i gave in...i somehow forgave and i need more time. And people always say that im very close to seniors. Not really. U wouldnt want to know what are we always toking abt. Never personal stuff. Drill. Its that that brought us all together to work things out. I get scolded as often as u gals get from me. I get scolded if ur drills are not up to standard, or too slow in teaching or too slack or i dont teach well enough and much more. Dont forget why i have so much scolding. Who is my jie and u will know why am i the one who always kenna. I get more scolding than toking from them. Understand this. Seniors remain seniors. I treat u differently from the past becos i realised that u are my senior and so i should know u as my senior from now on. Thats all.
So i dont really have friends if u do realise. Just a bit here and there. Thats what i call friends.
Shannon, trust me...u have much more real friends than me. Its just whether u want to recognize it and accept it. Yea? I hope no one's reading this though.
Oh yes today, when i felt the un-safeness that i always does, suddenly, this book mark was distributed to us. It was hand written. So i just felt this thing that god is telling me to not pick but just take the one that is on top. So i took it and guess what it wrote " u are safe with me." So i finally had this feeling that although im unwanted, i still have god with me. At least when i feel unsafe, im always safe with him. At least when i fall god is there to guide the way.... So, at least i've god beside me. Im safe.