Had R.E.W today. It was meaningful. I mean like parents nowadays dont say any words like: I love u. Im sorry. Neither do they even hug u. Except debbo. I found that she is really fortunate to have such close relationships with her parents. When the parents talked abt the things that our parents really wanted to say to us, i was touched. im serious. I mean i hardly see my parents. when im at home like now, they are never back. And when they are at home, i have cca. My mom is very busy. Its a rare chance to be able to see her at home. If she is, she would bring back tons and tons of work to do. I always remember what she always tell me. " Must study well so that u'll find a job next time. Money is very important." i mean......when can i really have the time to talk to her properly? When i have problems, there's always no one i can turn to. Not my mom. Never my father. My mom's too busy. I dont wanna disturb her. Or when i finally found time to disturb her, shes alr sleeping. My father comes back very late...i don't see him everyday for dinner. I hardly see him. When he comes home, we will just see each other for a second and we will go sleep. So when i thought of shannon and her parents, i just feel that since her parents are at home when she first step into her house, why not grab this only chance to talk to them. At least u have the chance. I dont u know......
Seriously i dont. They do not even know that i got a gold for my competition. All they knew was i trained very hard for my cca thats all. Thats all. Since i was born till now, they never said i love u before. Never before.
Shannon said she is clique-less. This strucked me. Cos i thought abt last year, i used to be very close to sei yin, lim wei and yi hua. But gradually, sei yin left us. And then this year, i was dumped by them. And here i am here. I wish that no one is reading this..... So at least shannon have so many friends that she can rely on. Her PB friends, church friends, GB friends, many classmates like debbo and all. But i dont. I really dont. Many said that i excel in my cca. But i rather not. I dont want to have the feeling of being tied down to drill. Commanding and commanding. Scolding and scolding. Do u think i really want that? If i ever could turn back the clock, i would never join the competition. Never. Although theres a gold, i know we deserves it but its not unity. Everyone did that becos of themselves. Whats the meaning of a real united contingent? Now, everything is back to normal. Doing my drill again. I couldnt afford myself to make a single mistake. Why? Because of the word DI. If i had a choice, i will never want to be one. Does it mean that a drill instructor cannot make a single mistake in drill? If i really had a choice, i would rather stay a normal girl without any heavy responsibilities like this. I rather be shannon and rachel. Im serious. I dun want my life to be tied down to DI. I rather not know any long commands like them and i rather not know so much. I rather learn it slowly like them...seriously. I could have taken stage 2 drill test with them. We promised to take it together. But now, its different. It turned out to be me having to mark them for drill test. Shannon said she wants to bribe me. I mean its sad...really. I really want to take drill test with them together. At least i have this kind of security that i hardly have. i really dont want to fail a single one if possible but i cant. I cant! I have to fail at least a few. Im really sorry girls. When i scold u guys, its because u all do not have the right attitude. Its okay if ur drill sucks, all i want is the right attitude to learn from mistakes. Okay...i hate this. I just have to put off this word.
Okay back to friends.... who says u do not have friends? Am i not one? If u guys realise.... i try not to tell all my problems to u all cos i feel that i dont have a friend that i can tell all my problems to. All i wish is a person who can just listen to me and she do not have to say a thing at all. Its that simple. But i havent found one. Those that are close to me, i may tell u some less major stuff but i just felt the un-safeness. Maybe becos i dun have a real friend that i can rely on. I only have friends that i can always play with, have fun together. I realised i patched up with j not becos i forgave her but its becos i had to. I had to becos we need to work together as DIs to mark gals together, that simple. So i had to put up this I FORGAVE U front to her so that officers remains unaware of our conflict. And prevent us from getting scolded. So i gave in...i somehow forgave and i need more time. And people always say that im very close to seniors. Not really. U wouldnt want to know what are we always toking abt. Never personal stuff. Drill. Its that that brought us all together to work things out. I get scolded as often as u gals get from me. I get scolded if ur drills are not up to standard, or too slow in teaching or too slack or i dont teach well enough and much more. Dont forget why i have so much scolding. Who is my jie and u will know why am i the one who always kenna. I get more scolding than toking from them. Understand this. Seniors remain seniors. I treat u differently from the past becos i realised that u are my senior and so i should know u as my senior from now on. Thats all.
So i dont really have friends if u do realise. Just a bit here and there. Thats what i call friends.
Shannon, trust me...u have much more real friends than me. Its just whether u want to recognize it and accept it. Yea? I hope no one's reading this though.
Oh yes today, when i felt the un-safeness that i always does, suddenly, this book mark was distributed to us. It was hand written. So i just felt this thing that god is telling me to not pick but just take the one that is on top. So i took it and guess what it wrote " u are safe with me." So i finally had this feeling that although im unwanted, i still have god with me. At least when i feel unsafe, im always safe with him. At least when i fall god is there to guide the way.... So, at least i've god beside me. Im safe.