Okay, was talking to esther and sorted some feelings out. I feel so relieved now. Cos hardly can i just talk to her abt my feelings without having to think of other things. At the same time, i was trying to save her and motivate and pray for her exams. Yup. I managed to like sit down and think through what has gone wrong throughout these few days. And just tell her. And we also talked abt other stuff like : What we truely are, is when we are at home. i guess so.
To me, i behave very differntly at home and in school and even in cca.
In school, there is some sort of feelings i have to hide. In cca, there is some kind of feeling that i dun like to have but we have to have it. Like, i really dislike the feeling of rushing for everything, running and running, but thats what we are expected to do. So i feel very empty when im in cca, in the sense that i really dunno who i truly am. People may think i excel in cca, but i dun think so. Im just being used. USED to make my cca better. Many guys see the outside but whats behind is the hard work that we put in that even pfhippo doesnt even appreciate.
Then at home, is when we really are. Nothing to hide and ya...... I hardly talk at home i think.
But i like sleeping. And eating. And i know im very fat. So i guess i shall stop eating for lunch. Yup. Suddenly i felt so scared of going back to school. There is this veh scary feeling that i dread going back to school. Maybe i dont understand you now. Im not sure if you realised that i really cant relate to you any further. So maybe im leaving things as the way it is. And i dun think u realised it anyway. Im going to try relate to you once again by how u are going to treat me now i guess. Im gonna to give it a try although i know its going to be hard. And i think we need some space so...... maybe just let me sort out some stuff first before i really can go back. Thats abt all. Im going to malaysia tomo to take a break.